A morning script

Author's Note: I do have questions in the hopper for Morbo, and I promise he'll answer them soon! He recently got a new sister, so he's not been in a questions-answering mood except with her. Which, funnily enough, is what today's post is about...

The other morning, my other human (not Mom) woke up very, very early. He closed the door most of the way behind him, so I figured I would help him and close it all the way.

Unfortunately, we could hear Other Human out in the living room...doing things. But we couldn't tell what they were! And we had to know! My sister and I kept tapping on the door, and I tried to use that round thingy that I'm pretty sure is what the humans use for doors. But no joy. A little while later, Mom got up, and she closed us in the room, too! I guess she thought Other Human intended to keep us in there.

Jack, my sister, started getting antsy.

"OH MY GOD WHY HAVE THEY SHUT US IN HERE IT'S DARK AND I'M HUNGRY I'M HUNGRY I'M HUNGRY WHY IS THIS DOOR CLOSED I'M HUNGRY..."

"It's okay," I told her, "They have to come back here sometime."

"I'M SO HUNGRY AND NOW I'M ANGRY I'M HUNGRY I'M GONNA DO IT I'M GONNA DO IT"

"What are you going to do, Jack?"

"RAGE POOP! I'LL DO IT IN THEIR BED!"

"Jack, I only ever did that once when Mom accidentally shut me in her room all day. It's only been forty minutes, and they're still here."

"I'M GONNA DO IT! I'M GONNA DO IT!"

"Don't do it, Jack.

"I'M GONNA DO IT RAAAAAGEEEEE POOOOOOOOOOOOOP!!!"

"Ugh, Jack, gross. Why does your poo stink so bad?"

"I DON'T KNOW I JUST DO BUT NOW I'M EVEN HUNGRIER HUNGRY HUNGRY HUNGRY--"

And then Mom opened the door.

"Phaugh! It smells like Jack rage-farted!"

Oh, Mom. You poor, deluded woman. You'll learn the truth. Hopefully not the hard way.

So cats, if you're locked in a room and your humans are still home? Don't rage poop in their bed. Or anywhere, really. They'll come let you out, I promise. They probably put you their for your own safety.

Don't Leave Me!

Dear Morbo,
I am going out of town soon. What assurances can I give my little furry child that I am not abandoning him/her to the cruel world? Or to my mom?

Signed,
Gran Turista


Turista,

My mom used to leave me a lot. She always made sure there was someone to feed me, snuggle me, and change my litter. If you're especially worried, sleep in the same t-shirt for several nights before you leave, and put it in a spot your kitty likes. That way, they'll have something that smells like you to shred the everloving crap out of.

Enjoy your vacation!

ASK MORBO #2

Dear Morbo,

I am a 31 year old man, decent looking, decent job. I haven't had a date in months, and I'm starting to feel really lonely. Do you have any advice?

-Sgt Pepper

Dear Sgt Pepper,

Nothing attracts the ladies like standing on a wall and howling. Seriously, you can't keep them away from you if you do this! A catnip cologne may also help.

Also, adopting a kitty may help with your loneliness. I know my human feels better when I'm curled up with her. Who knows? Maybe pictures of your adorable new housemate may help attract a lady as well!

ASK MORBO #1

Dear Morbo,

My mother's birthday is coming up, and I want to get her something really special. I haven't been the greatest kid lately, so I want to show her how much I care. What should I do?

-Prodigal

Dear Prodigal,

Nothing says "I'm sorry" like severed bird heads. If you really want to show your love, I also recommend a mouse or a vole. Moms really love dead voles.